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Moms are Too hard on Our Self for not being Perfect

We Forgive Others


Why do we as moms forgive everyone but ourselves? Think about it. Yesterday your son didn’t pick up anything you ask him to. Last weekend your daughter snapped at you 4 times in a 20 minute window because she was feeling stressed. Your husband forgot to pick up the prescriptions, so instead of having a few minutes to sit down and relax you are heading out the door. Now think about later on those nights ~ the kids are asleep and you look at them and think~ how could I love anyone more? How lucky am I to have this family? There is no left over frustration ~ just love. Well sometimes a little leftover frustration but you get my point. moms are not perfect

Now think about when we forget something. Didn’t get the uniform washed. Snapped that evening because we were busy all day and just feel exhausted. Or maybe something more serious ~ we assumed one of our kids was being difficult and so we yelled only to realize later it was all a mix up and now know we have hurt their feelings. We hold on to these things for days sometimes years. We are so upset with our self. It doesn’t matter that we lovingly made lunches for our kids, got them the homework they forgot at home, or baked 48 cupcakes for their bake sale.  Or ~  that we never sat down that day because there were not  enough hours in the day.

NO one is perfect

No one is perfect. We don’t expect it of others. Why do we expect it of ourselves? Why are we so hard on our self when we make a mistake? Why do we hang onto it forever and let it eat at us? Why are we so easy to forgive or give compassion to others and hold onto every mistake we ourselves have made?

Now is the part where I tell you why. Oh no sorry…….. ~I have no idea.

However, I will tell you one thing I know ~ we have to stop. We love our children. We are making a conscious decision everyday to do what’s best for them. I believe it was Dr. James Dobson (child psychiatrist) who said you can really never go wrong if you are parenting out of love.  Think I paraphrased that, but it was close. It is time we understand our children need good parents not perfect ones.

I have a notebook upstairs that was my sons from when he was younger. In it he wrote,  “I am a bad son”. I don’t remember what was going on that made him sad ~ it was   probably from 8 or 9 years ago. But I have hung onto it to “remind myself” that I made a mistake and caused my son to be so sad. What the heck am I thinking? I am a good parent!! Not perfect by any means but good. Do I really need to torture myself to prove it?

As I was writing this post I took a break and made lunch. While I was eating, I was trying to catch up on Facebook and came across a post called “Not a Perfect Mom, but an Enough Mom“. As I read it, I thought this was fate because she put it so well. Take some time to read it please. We as moms need to remind each other that we really do enough ~ that we are enough.  We as moms are not perfect ~  but we are the parents that our kids need. Also keep in mind, do we really want them to grow up thinking they must be perfect too? That is a lot of stress to put on our children. So, if you won’t do it for yourself (and you really need to) do it for them.

Oh yes and one more thing I am going upstairs right now ~ taking that notebook outside and burning it!!

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Appreciate & Celebrate Our Daily Lives

Why is it so hard for us to celebrate and appreciate our daily lives?

After we have lost someone and felt that pain and heartache that is unbearable, how do we wake up one day and complain about it being Monday. How after being through that kind of pain do we forget how fragile life is. Why do we not appreciate what we have more? 

I have been through this recently. My cousin passed away almost 6 months ago. She was one of three people in my life I ever told anything deeply personal to. Also she helped me become the mother I am today, and I am so thankful to her.  She was only 46, she  had three children, and was one of the kindest people I have known. She was so important to so many and left so many feeling her loss every day.  

 My best friend died 18 years 3 months ago. She was well ~ what can I say……she was my Best Friend. She was 32  with 2 young babies, and she was my person. I miss her just about everyday and wonder how my life would be different if she was still here with me. At her funeral the pain was so bad ~ I remember thinking ~ if I can get through this I can get through anything.

Both deaths were so hard on me.  Both amazing women gave so much to those who loved them. I felt pain I did not know was possible or bearable when I lost them. I have a friend who is going through this right now. My first thought is, I wish she did not have to or that I could take the pain away for her.  That would mean we would live forever and we know this is not true. So each of must go through grief at some point in our life.

So I ask again ~

Why is it so hard for us to celebrate and appreciate our daily lives?

So my question is ~  how after having been through something like that ~ do we not appreciate our everyday lives?  Why am I not more about all the little things? Don’t get me wrong, I do notice a pretty sunset or a quiet moments. I just feel like there should be MORE of an inner shift. I am a very lucky women to  have 4 stupendous kids and a wonderful husband. We have always had what we really needed. But I let the  little things sit too much in my head. 

No, we are not rich. Yes, there are things that I want. Things I wish I could give my kids. When I say we should be happy with what we have ~ I do not mean~ take what you have and that’s it. I do believe we should strive for more ~ just that we should know how lucky we already are while we are looking. That we should know ~ if our goal today doesn’t work out the way we wanted ~ that it’s okay, because we are already so blessed.

We should be happy. Not because life is perfect. Not because our vacation is next week. We had to wake up early and maybe we were grumpy to a loved one while they were headed out the door. We must be careful how we live those everyday moments . ~Things happen ~ life is not guaranteed ~ you never know when you might turn around and your life looks completely different than it did that morning. Life is too short ~~ not love our everyday.

Appreciate & Celebrate Our Daily Lives Why is it so hard to appreciate and celebrate our daily lives?

So that is what I want for my friend. I want her to grieve and feel the loss and then hold the happy times in her heart.  My wish is she carries her dad with her every day. I hope she sees his smile in her children. Knows his laughter in the good times, and feels his arms on a tough day. That even though she will miss him every day ~ remembers how lucky she was to have him shape her life. I know I miss the people I have lost in my life and wish they were still here with me. But I am also so Thankful that I had the chance to know and love them while they were here, because I know they made my life better while they were here.

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Stress and how it is Stealing our Life Moments

STRESS Takes more Than our Sanity~ It is Stealing Our Life Moments

When I was young I used to look at stress as a motivator. Now that I am older and look back I realize what a threat it is to us. What stress really does to us is steal our moments and yes eventually our sanity.

 stress

When you have something large to accomplish. The stress often yells to you ~~HEY LISTEN UP~ you have something  that must be done. If you are a procrastinator you might especially think it helps ~ the deadline it tomorrow,  so you better get moving. Yes to a point this does work and is okay to use every now and then. However, when you are so busy and the school  asks you to do the sports  banquet, do not say yes just because when it comes time you will have no choice but to make it work. That is a bad way to make decisions when what you are really thinking is that I can not do one more thing.

I started out as a mother of 1~ like most of us do. It is amazing how the simple task of taking a shower became ~ I TOOK A SHOWER TODAY ! Hurray!! But we adjusted and sometimes went on to have more kids and look presentable most of the time.

What comes up next is what no one tells you. You will one day wish for those days back because now you live in your car! Your kids have started going to school and your new stress is keeping up with homework and school activities. Now let’s add in dance class, PTO meetings, basketball, music lessons, and oh yes you agreed to do the banquet for the  school. These all seemed harmless at the time because you added them slowly and over time. Now you look at your calendar and realize that, in the next 3 months, you only have one evening without something written on it. This was me and so many other mothers I know.

Moms start out with many things on our to do list! As the kids get older you only add to it. If we are not careful, stress can have a very negative affect on us and our family. One day you will be trying to tell your daughter to pick up her ….. something off the floor. You will be looking at the offending object on the floor and, although your brain knows what it is, you cannot name that you want her to pick up her SOCKS!  Don’t laugh ~ This can happen to you. If it has happened to you~ I hope your are relieved to hear it is happening to other mothers and you don’t need a CT scan. 

I know I am joking about it, but stress puts a lot of “stress” on our bodies. Are you having more headaches lately? Not sleeping well? These are minor problems related to stress. However, years and years of constant stress to your body can cause serious health issues.

Stress can also affect your mood and your happiness. There are the every day moments you are missing. Yes, your adorable chubby 2 year-old just did the cutest thing and you thought “awe” for a moment, but then your brain went back to hurry we have to get dinner and leave it 10 minutes for baseball. Or you just watched your daughter in her first concert. Yes, you saw it, but did you experience it? Or were you in your head thinking ~ if this ends by 7, I can still make it to the basketball game.  When we have so much to do ~ stress is literally stealing our moments.

One day I called my grandmother looking for some advice. I was feeling like a failure as a mother. I just  could not accomplish enough. The to-do list was so long. Now I thought my Grams was just amazing. She would watch all the grand-kids,  sit and talk with me while she made lunch, and make cinnamon rolls from scratch ( I have had this on my list for 20 years).  She raised 7 kids and all without a microwave, dishwasher, and (for many years) a washing machine. How come with all of these conveniences, I could not keep up. You know what she told me~ “Times have changed Christy. I did not run my kids all over town for the whole evening. The kids were not involved in basketball year round. And most moms were at home with me so we had a lot of support.”

We as moms have picked up many new jobs! Working outside the home is just the tip of the iceberg. However, we really have not let go of anything. The stress we put on ourselves is not worth what we are getting back. We don’t need to be perfect. The only person who expects that from us~ is ourselves.

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Giving Away Pieces of Our Self

 If you go back and read my About Me page, I go into some detail of why I started this blog~ this is the longer version and hopefully the beginning of the journey back!

 

I gave all of the pieces of myself away. Then one day when there was a pause in my life ~ I looked into the mirror and there was no one there. How do you be a mother, a wife, a person when there is nothing left? 

It happened slowly over time. No one demanded it of me, nor did I do it purposefully. I love my husband and my children more than words could ever express.  All the things I did (most the things) were because I wanted to, so we could all have the things important to us. Over time though, when time was short, and I was tired, things had to be discarded.  You paid for their lesson- they must go, your husband is coaching the team- you can’t miss practice, school work must be done!

So it happens, you begin to stop doing the things that are important to you. Your family is the most important thing in the world to you ~ so you do not comprehend what you are giving up of yourself.  Until you realize there is little joy in what you are doing ~ instead they are just items being crossed off a list. You feel empty and there is  nothing more to give  to the people you love the most. The cycle continues  and you have no idea what is even causing this sadness you feel. 

Giving away pieces of our self

Then one day you are out~ away for a few minutes from your usual routine and for a brief second you catch a small glimpse of the person you once were. It happens so quickly and so shockingly that for a moment you cannot catch your breath and you stand there scared, amazed, and baffled at the revelation. You were once a person of your own right ~ with her own wants and needs.   However,  time does not stop and you must move on. Deep inside you know something has changed. Not big ~ but small and quiet. She is still there ~ the person you have forgotten and that was erased. 

 How do we begin to reclaim the person we once were? Time does not stop for us to figure it out.  You have to do the basics ~~feeding your kids, laundry, errands  jobs,  and the list goes on.  The truth is ~ I do not know.

 That is one of the reasons I started this blog. So I could help you, and you could help me.  Hopefully together ~ we can show women how important it is to make time for ourselves without the guilt. What time is there for us to take this journey?  Once again ~ I do not know ~ but we have to find it. We have to make time for ourselves a priority. Otherwise how can we keep giving to the ones we love.

Right now as I am writing this, I am fighting the urge to stop. Everyone is coming home and dinner is not made. I’m losing my concentration but I have decided  to finish this important post that is very personal to me. 

If you have felt this way, please join me in searching for what we have forgotten. If you are a young mom, let us warn you to not take the same path. You can be a great mother and still take the night off. Tell us something you have done for yourself lately. Maybe we will be inspired to spend some time with that person in the mirror.

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Don’t just be normal~ Be Amazing

Let’s Be Amazing Together

Maya Angelou had it right. I spent the last~ many years of my life trying to be like everyone else.  You know what I thought was normal. I have decided to try the other route and be Amazing!  I think as moms our roles are so defined that we forget we can be individuals too.

We  encbe amazingourage our kids to go out there and make their mark but hold back ourselves. Mostly it is not even a  couscous decision but a habit of doing the things that need done. Today think about what makes you happy because I am pretty sure this will  lead us to this Amazing Self we are looking for.

 

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WALKING THROUGH THE FEAR

I find it amazing and terrifying how quickly my emotions change. Last Friday I published my first blog!! I was so excited and my adrenaline was rushing~ i felt like i could do anything.

 A day and a half later i was filled with dread. What was I doing? I had nothing left to say- what if no one related to what I was saying- who wanted to read about my experiences?  I let fear overcome me. When I started work today I told myself ~ it will be fine  (all the while shoving this sick feeling I was having deep deep inside). Everything I tried to learn went wrong. Then everything began to all mesh together so none of it made any sense at all. That’s okay. ( This is not what most of my brain is saying~~ it was screaming come on your wasting time)  But again I say that’s okay. I am learning something new. More importantly I am putting myself out there. Which if you know me~ is not something I want to do. I am the person who shy’s away from talking to new people. The person who just wants to be seen as a good person but not really seen. So today I have gotten nothing accomplished except I walked through the fear. Yes I feel sick to my stomach and yes i want to run away screaming but maybe  next time it wont be so bad.

 

Think about something you are afraid of. Tackling a project- people looking at you in a new  art, exercise, dance class or just being yourself. Take a small baby step with me. I promise the people who judge us the harshest is ourselves. Chances are the person beside you in that class is as afraid as you are. Come on ~ take a small chance ~ walk though the fear with me

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First Thing I have learned…….

I have been a busy stay at home mom for 21 years.  I am  43 now. My greatest present ever was my iPhone from my husband for my birthday maybe 6 years ago. I love it and it can do practically anything for me. I realized when i began this journey how much i love and depend on it. I have not used a laptop since I got my phone and then iPad. When my daughter loaned me her old laptop so i could begin this endeaver i learned shockingly enough that a laptop does NOT put a period at the end of your sentence nor does it capitalize the beginning of a sentence or the letter i for you in the middle!! After some time yelling at it( the laptop) and my daughter shaking her head at me I figured i should explain why on my website my i’s are often messed up. None of us are perfect and i have decided i am okay with that!